Prior to going to luxury rehab, I did not think I was worth fixing. It wasn’t that anyone said I wasn’t worth it. It was just how I felt about myself. Addiction told me that I didn’t need to stop. My mind turned against what I wanted for myself. It kept telling me that I needed just one more hit. Even though I knew I wanted to stop, I couldn’t do it. I felt worthless in all facets of life. Then came luxury rehab, and for once, I felt like maybe there was a part of me worth saving.
It can be really difficult to maintain focus when you are at rehab. Part of the problem is that you are trying to detox from your addiction. Another part of the problem is that you likely aren’t sleeping well at rehab. That is due to your body trying to rid itself of all the toxins your addiction left behind. Sleep can be incredibly elusive when you are at rehab. Here are a few tips to help, so you can keep focused on the goal of sobriety.
It wasn’t until I went to rehab that I started talking about my problems. I was under the impression that they were all my problems to deal with. No one really cared to listen before rehab, in my experience. When I tried talking to siblings or even my parents, they would pretend to listen then walk off. That is how things went for me my entire life. Then, I started using. From that moment on, talking about my problems became shameful. It has only gone downhill since.
While I was in rehab, I found that I had many old wounds to tend to. I thought I had dealt with them years ago. Turns out, I hadn’t. Basically, I’d just ignored them for 5, 10, or more years. Those issues and wounds being left open to fester helped addiction work its way in. They are also a contributing factor as to how my addiction got in as deeply as it did. Once I started to deal with those old wounds, I started to see more reasons to get, and stay, sober.
Thanks to making it through rehab, I began understanding my personal imperfections. This allowed me to see how I fell into my original addiction. I was great at deflection my whole life. Everything that was going on was someone else’s fault. I never did anything wrong, in my head. Even my addiction wasn’t wrong, per say. It only hurt me from my perspective. For everyone around me, I had a lot of learning to do.
One of the things that going to luxury rehab taught me was to write out my feelings. Up until then, I tended to keep them bottled up. No one around me knew what I was really going through. While I loved being alone, I hated feeling isolated and lonely. It was something I struggled with for a long time, and likely one of the triggers of my addiction. By simply learning to write out my feelings, I learned to let go and accept life. It was the breakthrough I truly needed.
I had a lot of time at rehab, so I used that time at rehab to reflect on my choices up until now. Most of my choices were anything but helpful. They cost me aspects of my life that I will never get back. It used to be that I would sit and consume myself with that thought. Now, thanks to rehab, I can look back on that and understand my path better. It isn’t to say that I don’t have regrets – I do. However, I am more aware that each of those missteps of my past have influenced where I am today.
Therapy at luxury rehab was much different than I expected it to be. For some reason, I expected it to be really formal and stuffy. I thought there would be a lot of people in the room, and I’d be embarrassed. Instead, it was really welcoming. The people were there to genuinely help, and not judge me in any way. I really expected it to be more difficult to open up in front of new people, but it wasn’t anything like I expected.
When I first started my recovery journey, I would second-guess myself at rehab constantly. I couldn’t think of anything in a positive light. No matter how much positive momentum I would get going, the constant doubts would kill it. I would think I could go a day without using, but then think using would be inevitable. I had no willpower or self-restraint anymore. It was really difficult to get past this phase. Honestly, I’m not sure I am completely past it now, but it’s far better than it was.
For the better part of my existence, I have been second-guessing my life. Each choice I made, and why I made it, were constantly scrutinized by me. I never felt good enough to be around anyone. My parents were barely around, and I thought it was because they didn’t want to be. I had so many issues with my self-esteem that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. That’s where my initial draw to drugs came from. Even for an hour or two, I could escape that reality.